No More Parachutes.

Fox News was on.
Fox News tells me who to be afraid of. Today I learned, from Glenn Beck, that Cass Sunstein is now "THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN AMERICA"... I guess George Soros has dropped to "Person of Interest". Either way, I was listening to it while arriving for dinner, per the usual routine.
Eating dinner here is as serious as flying a plane. You've got your pre-flight check where you do your walk-around. Look at all the dishes you have to choose from, make sure to spot the questionables(food that has no origin based on first evaluation) and the variables(foods that are hard to mess up, unless they've been in the freezer too long), and scoop them up according to their questionable and variable rating.
Then you have the flight itself where, well, if you're flying with no red warning lights on, then you've passed. If for some reason, something doesn't feel right, you need an escape plan. This could be anything from a grass field to a parachute. In regards to the meal, the "flight" is the ingesting phase.
After the flight, you land and unload the plane. I feel this speaks clearly for both sides.
PRE-FLIGHT CHECK:
I arrive in the kitchen and as I'm walking be to get a glass of water, I do a careful dinner check. Immediately I sense problems. I spot my grandpa cutting up this bulbous oval looking piece of boneless meat. No need to panic though because I still had peas and baked potato on my side. So dishing up my plate consisted of one small slice of mystery meat, one baked potato, and 11 scoops of peas.
IN-FLIGHT CHECK:
I try to cut off a bite-size piece, but after a failed attempt, I raise my fork only to watch the rubbery meat re-form back into its original shape. Already, at this point, my head is filled with so much crazy I don't even hear that the TV is still on. I grab my knife and succeed in cutting it in two. During this ingestion phase, I become extremely overwhelmed by flavor. Whatever this is, it's really pretty tasty. But, back to crazy-
"I can't tell if I like the flavor of this meat" says my grandma. My grandpa slowly looks up and replies.
"I think it's really good. It's got a lot of flavor."
"Well, alright. It just said teriyaki."
After I hear this, I'm cross-referencing her description to the flavor I just had. Here come the red warning lights.
One, it was good, but it didn't taste like teriyaki. Two, teriyaki is a sauce, so THAT DOESN'T TELL ME WHAT TYPE OF MEAT I JUST ATE.
PRE-LANDING:
I ate all the food off my plate with haste and cleaned off the table. Now I'm trying to decide how I feel. I'm hoping I feel good because the meat was okay and not because I ate so little of it. If it's the latter, I'm screwed when it comes to the leftovers.
I'll probably find that out the next time Fox News is on.

HEY! Season's Greetings!

Fox News wasn't on. I think it's because my grandpa actually had stuff to do. Today it was decorate the house with Christmas things. I happened to be home at this time, so I decided to help him out. After all, it's a rare occasion I can hang out with my grandpa without having Fox News in the equation.
This story is rather short, but it was really funny in the moment. My grandpa had climbed up the ladder into the attic to throw some bags of garland and lights down. As he had thrown the last of it down to me, I noticed my grandma had appeared in the doorway, just watching us. I could see she was searching for things to criticize my grandpa about. He made his way down the ladder, closed it up into the ceiling, and started to carry some bags out to the porch.
My grandma knows she is blocking the doorway, so she starts to back up... at .05 mph mind you. My grandpa walks up to her until he is nearly touching her and slows to her pace. I was on the other side of the room watching them move slowly for a super awkward 10 seconds or so when my grandpa finally says,
"You're in my way."
Just as there was enough room to pass, he did so as my grandma replied, "I'M SOrry!"
I then quietly passed my grandma with the rest of the bags full of decorations. It was one of the funniest moments of my day and Fox News wasn't even on.